“I’m doing everything right, but it doesn’t feel like mine.” “I don’t understand what I want.” “Any criticism knocks the ground from under my feet.” Psychologists hear these phrases in their offices dozens of times a week — and behind each one lies the question: “Who am I?” and “How do I find myself?” Without answers to these, any big life goal risks being someone else’s. And you won’t find the answer unless you understand your identity. We spoke with psychologists about what identity is made of, why figuring out “who I am” should come before “what I live for,” and what to do if no answer comes.
Elena Chekhovskaya
Editor, psychologist
What is identity in simple terms? In psychology, identity is a system of beliefs about yourself — your roles, values, and place among others. In other words, it’s how you answer the questions “Who am I?” and “To whom or what do I belong?”
What makes up your “I”? German-American psychologist Erik Erikson described identity as the central task of adolescence. A person tries on different roles — student, friend, professional, etc. — and chooses what fits. If this process goes reasonably well, a stable self-perception forms. If not, confusion arises.
For example: a girl named Masha loves drawing. But her parents insist she become a lawyer. According to Erikson, if she ignores her passion, role confusion may occur. Masha might become a good lawyer, but inside she will feel “I’m not real.”
Psychologist Henry Tajfel explored another aspect of identity — the social one. He argued that people also define themselves through belonging to different groups. For instance, “I am a doctor, I am a citizen of my country,” etc. People strive to maintain a positive image of their group, which boosts self-esteem, Tajfel wrote.
Because identity is a multi‑component concept, it is often confused with other seemingly similar but not equivalent ideas. And this can be dangerous when searching for yourself.
Identity, role, and purpose — three different things. In conversations about finding yourself, people most often mix up identity, role, and purpose. This confusion is why many can spend years fruitlessly searching and never find themselves. The line between them is sometimes thin, but it exists.
Identity is “Who am I?” It includes many aspects: your values, personality traits, past experiences, attachments, and the way you perceive the world.
Role is “What do I do?” It’s a specific function in a specific context: profession, status, job title, family position. A single person simultaneously holds dozens of roles. For example, at work they are a manager, for their children — a parent, for their own parents — a child, for friends — a kindred spirit, and so on.
Purpose is “What do I live for?” It’s your goals, life meanings, and so on — something you want to move toward, something you want to leave behind.
You can know yourself well but not understand where to go. Or conversely, you can stubbornly pursue a goal while feeling an inner emptiness. However, searching for purpose without understanding your “self” can turn any life’s work into following someone else